Hello, I’m tired of warnings. I mean I am really tired of warnings. The seat belt warning comes on every time I get in the pickup. I do fasten my seat belt. I don’t need a warning.
By Dean Meyer
The stove warns me when the burner is hot. I learned as a child not to touch hot stuff. I’ve scars to prove it. All of my pills warn me not to operate heavy equipment after I take the pills. I don’t have any heavy equipment. My mother warned me as a child to carry the scissors pointed down, and don’t run. I don’t carry scissors and I don’t run to this very day.
But this morning it went to far. On the morning news, they had a segment on the danger of carving a pumpkin. I mean we are on the edge of nuclear war and they have news telling me how carve a pumpkin! California is on fire, Montana has burned, oil rig blows up in Texas, a bomb destroys Somalia, Congress can’t agree on anything, mass shootings, and they warn me about carving a pumpkin. Sheesh!
Then Shirley began a litany of the times I have cut myself. Even my grandkids warn me when I pick up a knife. Be it to castrate a calf, cut the net wrap off a bale, or open a bag of dog food.
I have gone to the emergency room more than once in my life with a knife stuck in my kneecap, or a boot full of blood from trying to cut the head off a deer. If you are looking for someone to help you in a knife fight, I’ll be the guy with the gun.
Anyway, back to the pumpkin.
It said to carve it in a well-lit place. I guess that is pretty self-evident. I mean, have you ever heard of anyone cutting a pumpkin up in the dark?
You are supposed to have a clean, dry towel on hand. I just assumed that is to soak up the blood after you cut your finger off.
Refrain from using alcohol when carving that stupid pumpkin. I mean what kind of people use alcohol when carving a face on a pumpkin. “Slate, grab me another beer while I put a big red nose on this pumpkin!”
I think kids now days have seen too much violence. I was babysitting my 4-year old grandson last week. There was a sale on pumpkins. I mean huge pumpkins! I mean they were this BIG around! He picked out the biggest one. It was huge! And only $4.
As I carried it to the pickup I asked what kind of face we should carve on it.
He said, “Let’s just blow it up!”
Dean Meyer is a former legislator and ranches in southwest North Dakota. He has been a columnist around the state for years.
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