When you are longing to be a mother, you have this beautiful idea of how motherhood will look. For some, this is reality, but for me, it was fantasy. Between the sleep deprivation, hormones, and loneliness, half the time I don’t know which way is up.
By Nicole Nowitzki
I remember bringing home my first baby. You long to leave the hospital and start your new life with your new little family, but everything is suddenly upside-down, and even though this is something you’ve wanted for a long time, it is a big change.
I have quite a bit of experience with children, so I wasn’t too worried. Although, after bringing him home, it felt like I woke up in someone else’s life. I was a kind of tired I had never experienced before! My friends were at work, where I felt that I should be. My family was worried about bothering me, so they didn’t come over as often as I had hoped. My husband was living out of town for work, and I suddenly felt all alone. It was a completely irrational feeling, but it felt real.
I didn’t want to ask for help, and I created ridiculous reasons to leave the house. I went to visit the school to see my friends and former students, made trips to the store for no reason, and sometimes, I would just drive around because I felt lost.
When you become a parent, you try to give that child everything in your power. It is no longer about you, so you give and give and give, but what happens when you are completely depleted? You give anyway. However, sometimes it turns inward. I feel myself getting angry, frustrated, lonely, and overwhelmed for absolutely no reason. I wonder what I can do to fix it, but then it is just feels like one more thing to add to my overflowing plate. I look around at this “Groundhog’s Day” life, and I see the mess that never seems to disappear, chores that are endless, and listen to the boys fighting over one basketball (even though we have five), and it feels like there is no end in sight. That’s when the guilt enters the room.
I think about all of the women that have tried for years to get pregnant with no avail, moms that think the grass would be greener as a stay at home mom, and moms that seem to LOVE staying at home. I start to wonder if it is just me. Am I the problem? Would they be better off if they had a different mom? Then, I look at their smiles, and I realize that they have no idea that I am falling, and I am thankful.
When I feel the most broken, I try to support others. I try to bring people up to make myself feel better. I know that happiness can only come from within, so what better way to build happiness than to make others happy. It is something I enjoy, so that’s where I begin. I want to be there for others, help when I’m needed, and support when I can.
There is something broken behind every smile. It is not our job to find what is broken, but bring out what makes them special. We should all support each other! We are all in this together, and as moms, we can do this!